Content warning: this is going to get gross. I will be relaying the bodily malfunctions I have been experiencing for the last twenty four hours in detail using colorful descriptive words and ridiculous hyperbole. Continue at your own risk. You have been warned.
I just spent the last twelve hours vomiting from both ends of my body with such violence as I have never experienced before. I can now confidently say that I know what it's like to sit down and pee, but from an orifice that was never intended to work that way.
The vomiting finally subsided around two am, thankfully. That was awful. I may have unwittingly taken part in an exorcism. I definitely purged some demons. I made sounds that frightened even me. My throat is raw. I'm not a go-to-the-gym kind of guy, but I feel like I've done some pretty intense ab work.
Here's a fun thought that occurred to me as I wretched into a bucket for the fifth hour straight: my vomit was essentially the same color and texture as my, um, toilet water. This led to some very horrifying thoughts that did nothing to help my nausea. I had to consult the internet. "Is it possible to vomit feces?" Frightningly, it is! But it is very rare and only happens when there is a blockage on the other end. I have what I would describe as a free flow at either end, so, thankfully I no longer worried that the sludge coming out the top was the same as the sludge coming out the bottom. This was a tremendous relief!
The diarrhea sort of broke through a violence threshold at some point last night, and became an almost laughingly peaceful urination that happened through no force or will on my part. It was just falling out. But that posed its own problem as I was afraid to leave the toilet for long. I consider myself very lucky that I hadn't soiled my underwear throughout the experience. Although, I do admit, I got an extra pair out ready to go just in case.
I hope I'm on the other side of it now. I took some immodium this morning and it seems to have done its work. My head is pounding from lack of sleep and, no doubt, from dehydration. They say that our bodies are made up of about 60% water. Not mine. Not anymore...
I've been laying in bed now all day after that harrowing experience. Which is not to say that I've been comfortable. I have restless legs. There is no position that doesn't hurt. I can't lay on my stomach. That thing would only provide a squishy fulcrum of extreme discomfort. Those of you who have a bit of a gut will understand. Those of you who don't... well, good for you. I'm in no mood to play nice right now. I'm miserable. I'll be happy for you tomorrow. On the bright side, I seem to have lost five pounds throughout the night. This is not exactly how I imagined I'd start losing weight though. There has to be a less painful way. And, frankly, I still look like shit, so I don't recommend this method.
I've been sipping water now for a few hours. I ate a few crackers. I just had a cup of applesauce. That was actually pretty yummy. I'm hoping I keep it all down. If I do, I might have some more applesauce, and maybe a banana. Then I want to get in the shower and wash off the remnants of demon spore, or whatever it is that is making me smell this way. My bedding needs a run through the wash too. It's horrendous in there. I've been bouncing back and forth from opening a window for a little while to clear out the foul odor I'm creating, then convulsing with shivers until I'm forced to close the window again. It's only 17°F outside right now. Unfortunately, it hasn't done much for the smell, and I've not been able to warm up. So, I think I may have failed on both counts and only made things worse.
I've gotten a few minutes of fitful sleep here and there today, but my brain is in a fog. It hasn't felt like I've slept at all. My brain hurts, my body hurts, I'm still slightly nauseous, I'm weak, I'm exhausted... but I'm alive.
So, hopefully, that means I'm on the mend. I wish the way I felt jived with that thought. But no vomit or diarrhea for a few hours is a good sign. Now if only I could get comfortable and get some actual rest...
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