Take Off the Tin Foil Hats

Alright folks. Today, we're going to discuss conspiracy theories. Not all of them; we don't have enough time for that right now. But there is one crucial conspiracy theory you need to be aware of. The conspiracy theory of all conspiracy theories.

I'm not talking about Bigfoot. He's not a conspiracy theory, he's just a loner that lives in the deep woods just outside of Portland. His name is Mike. There's no theory, he's just a lovable hermit with B.O. and a hairy back.

And I'm not talking about octopuses being aliens from another planet. That's just what they are. It's not a conspiracy. Just a fact.

I am talking about tin foil hats people. Not "tin foil hats, people". No comma. I mean the people with the tin foil hats are the conspiracy theory. Tin foil hats people exist. Tin foil hats people are real. Tin foil hats people are dangerous. "Tin foil hats people" is a mouthful, so I will henceforth refer to them as Tin Foilies, TF's, or simply Foilies.

Tin Foilies are people who wear tin foil on their heads to prevent the government, or alien octopuses, from reading their minds. Which is silly, because tin foil only magnifies the mind reading potential. What they really need is a whipped cream hat. Delicious, and effective! I'm not kidding!

The problem is that the government (and the aliens) want you to wear tin foil on your head. Not only does it make it easier to find your brains from space (government tracking satellites orbiting our planet, and, of course, the octopus alien outposts on Jupiter's moons), but it also absorbs the mind reading gamma rays more effectively and reflects them back to said satellites and outposts.

And as if that isn't scary enough, they aren't satisfied with knowing your thoughts and storing them in the mass metadata collection site on the moon (affectionately called ThoughtCol by the black suits). No, they aren't just collecting your thoughts. They are controlling them. Via satellite. Making them do all sorts of things. Making them say all sorts of things. Using them as propaganda machines to spread further conspiracy theories, causing more people to wear tin foil hats, thus growing their TF army. Do you see the cycle of perpetual growth? Do you grasp how big this is?

I'm guessing I have your attention now.

"Is there any hope", you ask? "Yes", I'll answer. But it will require the help of the dairy industry.

As I mentioned earlier, whipped cream has a natural resilience to these mind control gamma rays (MCGR's). It is unknown how this discovery was made, but it may be the very discovery that turns the tide of this horrible threat.

First, you must cover the crown of your head with a layer of whipped cream at least 1/2" thick. Don't be stingy. The thicker, honestly, the better. Bonus: studies show that whipped cream is great for your scalp!

Next, you must cover your whipped cream smeared head with a hat, scarf, bandana, whatever you can find. We cannot let the Foilies know we're on to them. The theory is, we conspire to transplant the tin foil hats with paper plates full of whipped cream before they understand the threat. Snatch the tin foil, and replace with a pie in the face. Immediately, they will wake up from their stupor and thank you profusely. Despite being under control, they are aware! They don't know why they do the things they do, but they know they don't want to do the things they do. They are helpless victims, with a first person's view of the betrayal and destruction they are bringing upon the world. Such a life of horror!

We must put an end to the conspiracy theories that propagate the expansion of the TF Army! We must transplant the hats! No more tin foil! Bring on the whipped cream!

Calling all clowns! Teach us your knowledge of pie throwing! Give us the tools and techniques we need to conquer this evil force! Take back our freedom! Spread the word! Let them know they are not alone! Let them know we will fight! Let them all know that the conspiracy theories must stop!

For the future of mankind, don your whipped cream hats and ride forth into the night.

Tonight, we take back our freedom!