I’m a bit of a thinker. That’s not to say I’m smart. I’ve said some ridiculously stupid things that would make a 2 year old slap his forehead in disbelief. What I mean is that I’m constantly having conversations in my head with myself. Some may call that split personality disorder, but I think that’s only when the personalities are unaware of each other. Mine are very aware. Mine are like 7 large adults, 3 small children, and a hippopotamus... all living in a small studio apartment. It’s not possible to be unaware of each other when everyone is bumping into one another and stepping on each other’s toes.
When I say that I’m having conversations with myself, I’m actually arguing quite loudly with myself. There are occasional shoving matches, definitely some name calling, and once even a broken nose. My “selves” do not discuss politely. And as if that wasn’t complicated enough, outside thoughts also find their way into the conversation. One of the children might be yelling at the hippo about whether I like New York style pizza or Chicago style pizza better, when suddenly a new point of view with no source at all enters my brain through some sort of cranial intercom system and calmly suggests that I like Sicilian the best. Now everyone in my head is screaming at the disembodied voice to butt out, while all secretly wondering if maybe the voice actually has the right of it.
This all, of course, interferes greatly with maintaining confidence in any situation. On the outside I may appear to know what I’m doing. But in my head, I’ve got 7 adults, 3 children, one hippopotamus, and now a disembodied voice (which will eventually need a name if it intends to stick around for a while) all having entirely different opinions about the situation. Who do I listen to? None of them are even qualified to make decisions for me; they’re all a bunch of freeloading squatters in my brain to begin with!
So you see my dilemma. If you ever ask me to help you make a decision and are met with a blank stare for a few moments before I snap into action, it’s because I need to referee the Battle Royal in my skull before I can make a choice. I used to wait for a consensus, but I’ve long ago learned that this is like waiting for answers to the questions “What was the point of Lost?", and "What did that show even mean?”. We’ll never get those answers, and I'll never get a consensus. So now I just wait for a few of the crazier voices to trail off murmuring to themselves in a corner, and pick one of the voices that seem to put on a good show of pretending like they know what they’re talking about. What could possibly go wrong?
Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m a bit of a thinker. Who’s writing this article, anyway? It seems to be one of the crazy murmuring voices in the corner for the most part. That’s all right. I find those voices to be the most entertaining. There’s a couple in there that are a real hoot. Not fun. That’s not what I mean. They’re owls. Did I forget to mention the owls? Yeah, they’re in there too, flying over all the adults, children, and the hippo. Pooping on all their heads. This doesn't seem to bother the disembodied voice in the slightest.
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