Autopilot

Sometimes, I feel as though I'm on autopilot.

I imagine something like an "Inside Out" scenario in my head (have you seen that movie? If not, I highly recommend it). In my imagined scenario, I'm the embodiment of my consciousness in a control room inside my skull, watching life through the eyes of my physical body. In the center of this control room, there is a large console that has all the controls for my body. I'm kicked back with my feet up on the console playing video games while life is actually happening outside of my skull. Once in a while, I'll glance up at the big INPUT screen when something shiny catches my eye. But mostly I'm just playing Minecraft and Super Mario Bros, only occasionally aware of the real world and what's happening out there.

A big AUTOPILOT button is flashing on the console. The AUTOPILOT automatically takes care of reactions to external stimuli as they happen. One big problem: the programming for those reactions is in some serious need of an update. Those programs were written while I was growing up as a kid, and do not serve me (or my loved ones) very well in present day. I need to put down the video games and start paying more attention to rewriting the code for reactions to stimuli.

I've been in therapy for years (I know, who would have guessed?). I've come to recognize that I have been very much shaped by my first few years of growing up. All my fears, resentments, hang-ups and whatnot during my adolescence had a huge role in writing the programs that drive my AUTOPILOT today.

Imagine, if you will, you're in a car from the future. Behind the wheel, you're in full control. But you get a phone call. In this future car, you can just set the controls to AUTOPILOT. Now you can give your full attention to extending your car's expired warranty (yup, still getting those calls, even in the distant future). While you're distracted, a line of baby ducks following their momma waddles out onto the road in front of you. The AUTOPILOT jumps into action, yanking the steering wheel to the left, smashing through the meridian to avoid the little duckies, and driving directly into oncoming traffic. Probably would have been better to just slow down and carefully drive around the cute little fellas, but the programming was written years ago, after being chased by a demonic goose at Meacham Lake as a child.

The reaction programs need some serious updates.

I gotta fix this.

The first step is to acknowledge that there is an issue. Check. The second step is to recognize the stimulus/reaction as it is happening. Self-awareness is key here. I gotta put down the video game, join the present world, and pay attention to the situation at hand that is triggering the AUTOPILOT to react. I need to push the AUTOPILOT BYPASS button, and get back in control. Time to hit the brakes, take a breather, and press the pause button (how many metaphors am I going to juggle here?).

That's not a deranged goose. It's a momma duck and her adorable little ducklings (except for that ugly one). A reckless maneuver involving a yank on the steering wheel and a frantic mashing of the turbo boost is not what this situation calls for.

Fortunately, therapy has given me a S.T.O.P. sign to use in these situations that I too often roll right through. I gotta look for these signs, and respond with a deliberate intention.

-S..... STOP..... Simple, just stop what I'm doing and look at my current situation.

-T..... THINK..... Think about how I'm feeling right now. Am I angry? Frightened? Worried?

-O..... OPTIONS..... What are my options? How many different ways can I handle this? What are the expected results of each possible direction?

-P..... PLAN..... Decide on the best response. Deliberately, and with intent. Be in control.

Easy peasy, right? Ha! That first step is a doozy, mah boy! Breaking the cycle of reacting automatically is quite difficult, from my experience. Fortunately, I've got a great therapist. And a very patient, understanding, and loving wife that is no doubt sick of my bullshit and is not afraid to wave one of those handheld stop signs those roadwork crews use on the city streets (she likely would like to bop me on the head with it once or twice). She is aware. She is in control of her shit. It's a good thing, too. With her help, I can see the cute little ducklings (except, again, for that one ugly turd at the back of the pack, what is with that thing?) instead of giant evil geese that are hellbent on plucking out my eyeballs.

I'm spending far too much of my life with that AUTOPILOT on. It's about time I started paying attention. My friends and family will benefit greatly. Time to take back the wheel, get in control, and act with awareness and purpose. Besides, I've already beaten the Ender Dragon and gotten the elytra. I've beaten Bowser and saved Princess Peach. There's a real world out there, with real goals.

My friend, Ali (https://alirothlizzi.blogspot.com/?m=1) once told me she chooses to experience real life sort of like a video game. Every correct action gets you further in the game, maybe even earning you XP (that's "experience points" for the rare non-nerd Whatev-heads). "Imagine life is a game," she told me. "It’s an adventure game you have to figure out by assessing clues... They may come in demands from your kids, wife, unfortunate circumstances in a game, fortunate circumstances in a game... Ask a question, and then read whatever happens next as the answer."

Maybe if I take control, but treat life like a video game (which I excel at)... yeah, maybe combining the two is the answer. Somebody get me an enchanted diamond pickaxe!

Hmmm... A thought just occurred to me. Will mushrooms make me larger, shoot fireballs, and give me 1-UPs now? Perhaps the answer to that question will be my next bloggy...