Top Ten List of Things I Don't Know

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. But if I had a list of things I knew physically placed next to a list of things I didn't know, the latter list would collapse the table, drop through the floorboards, and sink until it hit bedrock. The list of things I know would likely scatter and run for cover, cowering in the corner. What I do know is this: I don't know squat. Correction: squat's another thing I don't know. What is squat? No idea. Some sort of vegetable? Anyway, since I can't possibly list all the things I don't know, I'll just give you the Top Ten.

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1. I don't know diddly (is it a specific strain of squat?).

2. I don't know jack. Unless we're talking about One-Eyed Jack. But I don't know him all that well either, honestly. Perhaps jack describes strains of cheese. There's Monterey Jack, Pepper Jack, and a few others. But I couldn't tell you much about them. I like cheese on my pizza, but I'm certainly no cheese expert. And I'm even less of a jack expert.

3. I don't know sh*t, d*ck, or f*ck. And I don't know why those words are spelled with an asterisk, either. How do you pronounce them? Is an asterisk a vowel in whatever language that is?

4. I don't know how to pronounce worcestershire sauce. I don't feel bad about this one though. No one knows how to say that word.

5. I don't know how our planet is spinning a million miles an hour, but I get dizzy if I turn my head too fast. You'd think I should be immune. We all should be!

6. I don't know why I suddenly have to poop when I'm searching the shelves for something at the supermarket. Every time! What is that?

7. I don't know if I saw a shooting star take an abrupt 90° turn mid-flight when I was lying in the middle of a quiet, old country road 30 years ago, or if it was aliens. It could have been aliens. The point is, I don't know.

8. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Don't get me wrong, I'm a full-grown middle aged adult. But I still don't know.

9. I don't know if I should feel bad about how good sneezes feel.

10. I don't know what number 10 is.

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There you have it. There's obviously an infinite amount of other stuff I don't know, but I don't have the time, energy, or desire to make an exhaustive list. It would be... exhausting. So this is going to be it for this one. Maybe next time, I'll make a Top Ten list of stuff I do know. Well, maybe a Top Five. Or at least a Top Three...