Top Ten Reasons I Don't Like Going to the Beach

I'm sitting in a folding camping chair right now on the beach, just out of reach of the waves. It's about 70°F, a mild breeze coming off the lake. The sky is overcast, threatening rain, but none so far. This is actually quite nice right now, perfect weather for me really. But you really have to drag me to the beach. It's not a go-to place of relaxation for me, considering that I'm not really a beach kinda guy. And here's ten reasons why:

1. I don't have a beach bod, it's more of a dad bod. I generally like to keep the gut underneath some sort of fabric at all times. This is for my comfort, as well as others'.

2. I don't like to swim. It's not a hobby, it's a function of survival. It's something we do to keep from drowning. Me, I prefer to keep my feet on solid ground. This isn't because I can't swim. I can. I just don't like to. The kids will talk me into it a couple of times a year, I'll do it for them. But I wouldn't be neck deep in water if I wasn't trying to stay in their good graces.

3. I don't like direct sunlight. I don't like how it turns my skin red and hurty. I don't like how it can give you skin cancer (a very real threat). And I especially don't like how bright the sun is. My eyes are extremely sensitive to bright light. It shoots through my pupils and drills directly into my brain. I am constantly making a squinty, furrowed forehead kind of face on sunny days. It's not a happy face. I've been asked why I look so angry. It's because of the sun, folks. The sun and I have an understanding. We stay out of each other's way. When we don't, things get ugly (including my face).

4. It's hot at the beach. This one is actually a tricky one. Where I work, the temperature can easily exceed 100°F in the summer. It sucks. But, 100° outside, for some reason, is worse. I can endure my job in 100° heat for 12 hours, but if I mow my lawn in the bright hot 85° sun for an hour, it wipes me right out. It's a different kind of heat. I know, it doesn't make sense. But I often contradict myself, so get used to it.

5. The sand. It gets everywhere! How does it get inside the shorts? I don't know how, but it does. And it feels quite invasive. Some people love the feel of beach sand between their toes. I am not one of those people. And when you get back to the car, you're bringing enough beach sand with you in various bodily crevices that you could be charged for it. I don't need that in my life. Or my car. Or my toes. Or any of my cracks. There. I said it. Sand in the... cracks. Nuff said, as far as I'm concerned.

6. I don't need to see six-pack abs. I don't have them, don't think I ever will. I've made my peace with that, but seeing them on the beach doesn't help the ole self-image.

7. Splashing water. I hate that.

8. Why is it so hard to walk in beach sand? It's exhausting! I mentioned my lack of a six-pack. Well, there's a reason for that. Going to the gym and working out is hard. I didn't go to the beach to work out. I really don't want to go to the gym. Though, to be honest, I don't really want to go to the beach either.

9. The laundry. First, you've got your street clothes. Then you change into your swimwear. Of course you have your beach towels. And after swimming you might even change into a whole new set of clothes. Multiply that by how many people in the house are going. Then, when everyone gets home, they may want to shower. More towels and another change of clothes! The laundry never ends!

10. The weather is unpredictable. "Hey! Let's go to the beach on Saturday! It's supposed to be beautiful out!" Then the weekend arrives and you get there and a storm rolls in, pouring rain on all the swimmers. Ok, actually, here's another problem I have: if you're already getting wet, what difference does it make whether it's raining? "Everyone get out of the water! It's raining!" It makes no sense!

And neither does going to the beach.