You sometimes forget what you're thinking about, while you're thinking about it.
And then that's what you start thinking about.
Oh, that wasn't you? I guess it was just me. I am slowly losing my mind. And when I allow myself to think about that, it scares the shit out of me.
This one's real. This isn't a fun Sizzle gag. It's not a "what if" conversation. This is me doing a deep dive into my decline. Oh! That was far cleverer than I meant it to be! "Deep dive"? "into my decline"?
I do occasionally have flashes of, well, I'm not calling it genius, that's for sure. But I mean brilliant for me kind of flashes. I usually enjoy those moments, as long I remember to pay attention to them, which is not a guarantee. In between those rare flashes lies most of my consciousness, in a blah haze. Quite dull.
I have forgotten where the hand towel is. The one next to the sink. Where I just washed my hands. Hanging on the loop. Where it always hangs. That hand towel. I spun in a circle for some reason before I found it. Right where it's supposed to be. Dull, blah haze...
I never remember how old I am. I need to do the math. EVERY TIME. I sometimes joke that I'm 42 for now on, partly because I love that number, partly because I know it's close to my age, and largely because I don't want to do the math again. Because math is hard again. Just trying to work out the proper equations these days is an exercise. 2023-1977=ok, I'm 46. That's what I suspected, but, well, I no longer trust my suspicions...
But I can string along a sentence or two. I rather enjoy doing so, as a matter of fact. I feel that I am good at it. But only with long, slow, fumbling thought processes getting me there, and oftentimes completely by accident. I'm in the process of writing a novel, actually. I'm 18 chapters in, and over 56,000 words deep. I'm very proud of my work so far, though I am seriously afraid it will be another passion project that peters off into oblivion, like so many other things I've started and never finished.
But I can drive my truck that I took out a loan for, and signed lots of documents and made phone calls and sent emails. None of that stuff is my forté. But I did it. And I can drive that truck to work every day, obeying most traffic laws most of the time. And I've never been in an accident on the road. Though I have backed into a friend's parent's car in the driveway. That sure was embarrassing (my apologies again to Laura and her wonderfully forgiving folks)!
But I can go to work every day and be productive and run complicated machinery that could potentially destroy my body in numerous ways if I'm not careful. I've been with the company for 20 years this year! I must be doing something right.
But I can also forget time after time after time that my wife does not like to joke that way.
But I can also leave the oven on.
But I can also... do a lot of stuff that makes me feel like I'm stupid. Only, I don't always know I'm doing it. So... ignorance is bliss? That argument might possibly work for me, but not for those around me. It's not bliss for them. It's frustrating, and also probably a little scary.
This is my head tonight, as I lie in bed not going to sleep for far too long. I am scared, I am numb. I am both. Separately, and at the same time. And I am scared. And I am dumb. Dumber than I used to be.
At what point do I become no longer aware? I am already inching toward that end. I find it difficult to be aware of my own feelings. While I'm feeling them. How can that be possible? It is, though. I know it well. It's difficult for me to know when I'm acting or sounding like a jerk. I fear it often. Is it all in my head? Paranoia? Or is there a real basis for that fear?
I've never put all of these thoughts together into coherent words before. They used to be just vague unexplored notions. But now that I've spoken of them, they are out there in the universe as well as in my little head. For now. They will eventually disappear, like most of my other thoughts. From my head, at least. It will, however, have escaped permanently into the void of the universe (or multiverse, if you insist).
Now that it is written and has escaped to that pesky void, I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. Maybe someday someone will read this and make some sense of it all. Who knows? I just may be tomorrow's case study.
*Note: the art for this post was done by my daughter, Ayla. It has been on her wall for some time now. She often lies in bed thinking instead of sleeping too, apparently. Maybe we all do. Anyway, I thought it was rather appropriate for this post, and she was more than happy to have her wonderful art displayed in my blog. I love her creativity. I'm so proud of her. She really is a great kid. Almost an adult now. And a thinker, like her daddy. I hope that's not a curse...
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