I'm going to get real with some yucky feelings in this one. I don't know how it's going to turn out, or if I'll decide to publish it. But I want to write it out.
I'm feeling very disappointed in myself lately. Well, for quite some time, actually. Years, I guess? I second guess myself in every situation. I'm seldom confident with my decisions. I lack self-awareness, too. In the moments that count, at least. I mentally frame the world I inhabit in a very negative light. And when I speak (most often without consciously planning my words), I frequently use negative language to describe my world. I think the worst is going to happen. Keegan's nose hurts, so IT MUST BE BROKEN.
How much of that short list of perceived flaws(the full list would take years to write down) can you relate to, dear reader? Does anything on that list hit close to the mark for you as well? I wonder how many of us walk around all feeling similarly crappy about ourselves? How many of us wish we could be... not who we are?
There are so many things about my brain that I wish worked differently. I wish I could recall conversations. I wish I could think faster. I wish I was more aware of the world around me. I want to understand my fellow humans better, so that I could know how to be a better one, myself. I want to treat people the way they deserve and desire to be treated. If only I knew how to decipher that. I wish interactions with people didn't utterly exhaust me. Even people whose company I enjoy. I would love to always be able to come up with examples when I'm asked questions about things that happened to me. "What did you do yesterday afternoon?" "Uhhhh..."
I wrote this first part in fear. Fear of being too real. I fear that my negativity will be too much for you. It's a trait of mine that is arguably one of the biggest turnoffs for the people in my life, or at least I imagine it to be. The forgetting is likely number one on that list, though. That one can have some drastically real consequences. That one is scary and unpredictable for those who love me. As much as it sucks to be in my head sometimes, being outside of my head must be dreadful. My poor family gives me eye rolls on the daily. And, to be fully transparent, I absolutely earn every one. And I'm lucky when it's just eye rolls. Those are the least painful for all involved.
Yes, the first part of this post was written in fear. But this last part, I was in the zone. The words came relatively quickly and even somewhat smoothly. My brain was switched to the CREATIVE setting. And it just flowed. I can imagine the music to go with it. The lyrics are a bit sad, but I think they're darkly beautiful. I hope you'll think so, too.
The World and I
The ringing in my ears sings in harmonic dissonance with the static in my mind.
I don't know how to perceive the world with this mind of mine.
Is my green your green? Do I see what you see?
If you stand real near, will I hear what you hear?
We live in different worlds, the world and I.
Yet we share the same grey sky.
I try to understand, but understanding is denied.
We live in different worlds, the world and I.
Do my glasses make me see the lies my mind create?
Will I ever make sense of the nonsense here today?
I can never predict the things you'll do or say.
I'm pushing fifty, and I still fail the day-to-day.
But how can I learn, when my mind has gone astray?
The shame swells with every mistake I make.
I lost my confidence long ago, and I can't not hesitate.
Frozen solid, from the cold, cold heart of the world. It's my fate.
We live in different worlds, the world and I.
Everything on display is a lie.
It seems the harder I try, the more I feel outside.
We live in different worlds, the world and I.
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