Welcome back to the Annual Birthday Wish Awards! 2023 is not only the year I turn 42 again, but it's also the year that immediately follows last year. Uncanny! Another fun fact: there were some absolutely incredible entries for this year's awards! There even may or may not have been an entry from Hollywood filmmaker, Spike Jonze (don't look too deeply into that claim)! All told, it was a spectacular year for the ABWA's! There were so many wonderful candidates, it was a difficult task choosing which would receive these most coveted of trophies. But, alas, not everyone can receive an award. There are no participation awards, but it goes without saying (so I'll say it), if you're a friend of mine you're already a winner! Now, without further ado, here are this year's top ten Birthday Wishes!
Jan, you were the 1st to wish me a happy birthday this year! I can't believe you set your alarm and got up before the sun just to get this award! Well, you did the hard work, here's your reward! You get the "Early Bird Gets the Award" award!
Sarah, I'm surprised that party favor still works! That's a lotta noise. Keep it down over there! You get the "Most Emojis" award!
Cyd, we must have walked past each other all morning, smiled, nodded, and had at least a couple of polite conversations. But not a single word about my birthday. Nuthin'! Despite it obviously being the biggest news of the day! Cyd, you get the "Playin' it Cool" award!
Kerry, your birthday wish appealed to my fascination with the universes. How many of them did you wish me happy birthday in, I wonder? Well, at least in this universe, you get the "Life, the Universe, and Everything" award!
Ahhh... finally, the proper title given. Bruce, you get the "True Respect" award!
Seth, I only remember seeing you that one weekend. The rest of the month I was back home. I must have made quite the lasting impression to make you feel like we hung out all last month! Seth, you get the "Time Dilation Effect" award!
Wakisha... hoo boy! Let's break this hot mess down a bit... Firstly, you made great use of one of my top ten favorite descriptive words, "moist". Following that wonderful start... well, let's face it, a pretty lame visual pun of sorts. But then... Then you top it all off with what had to be the ugliest dog I've seen all year! You were all over the map! Kisha, you get the "Unapologetic Chaos" award!
"Happy Birthday upside down moose"... You just... It's... I don't... Kelly, you get the "WTF!" award!
Joy... I have to admit, every year I look forward to see what you bring to the table. Every year, you do not disappoint. And this year... just, wow. It's twisted, Joy. It haunts my sleep. It's burned into my eyes. Like a car wreck, I can't look away. You get the "Please Scoop My Eyes Out With a Spoon Now" award!
And now it comes down to the last award. I know that there are rumors that Trish gets an award every single year. Completely unfounded. Some say this is a form of nepotism. Utter nonsense. I've also heard whispers that I must receive special favors from Trish. This, too, could not be further from the truth. On the contrary, just last night I asked her to shave my back and she blatantly refused! The fact of the matter is, Trish gives the most moving, heartfelt, and loving birthday wishes of anyone I know. Plus, she puts up with me and hasn't kicked me out of the house yet, soooo... Trish, you get the "I Can't Believe I Still Haven't Driven You Insane and You Still Love Me Through Another Birthday and You're So Freakin' Awesome I Love You So Much" award! You deserve it!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes the 2023 Annual Birthday Wish Awards. Congratulations to the winners! And to all the runners up, don't worry. The winners are sworn to secrecy, so you'll never know that there were cash prizes as well. Thank you to all the participants in this highly narcissistic competition of mine. Without me, this would never happen.
You now have one year to work on your next entries, make them count!
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