Getting Warmer

How do you know all this?

Oh, I have my ways.

I don't recall ever mentioning the octopuses to you.

Have you forgotten who I am?

Ok, fine. You're me. But you split. You can't read my mind any more than I can read yours.

Oh?

What do you mean, "oh"?

Listen. My point is you can't trust them.

Yeah, I got that same feeling.They kept asking weird things about air pollution and driving a car. They didn't make any sense.

That's what I'm talking about. They have an agenda. They are secretly using humans to do their bidding.

What do you mean?

They want to encourage us to continue doing what they think contributes to global warming.

What? What the hell for? That doesn't make any sense. They live on the same planet we do!

Yes, but they live in the ocean. What happens if the planet keeps getting hotter?

What, like more deserts? Wildfires? Weird storms and stuff?

Think more long-term.

Ok. Like all the ice melting? Icebergs, and the north and south poles? Antarctica? Canada, Greenland, and Siberia?

You're getting warmer... Pun intended.

Uhhh... sea levels rising up? Drowning Florida and a bunch of other coastlines?

What if all of it melts? Then, no more land masses. Widespread extinction! Of the land dwelling species, anyway.

Then... then there's just ocean...

Right. And where do octopuses live?

Isn't it octopi?

Common mistake. It's octopuses. Don't change the subject...

So... you're saying... the octopuses... want to take over the planet?

Bingo.

Wait a minute. That's just sci-fi fantasy bullshit. And not even the good kind. That's a skip-the-theaters-and-go-straight-to-video kind of movie plot.

"Video"? Really showing your age there, eh?

Listen, it doesn't matter if it's cheesy. Fact is, they've been behind the scenes orchestrating it for decades. Pulling the strings of big petroleum corporation CEO's, automobile manufacturing lobbyists, and they got senators in their pockets, too.

How do they do all that? They're octopuses! Besides, they acted like I'm the first human they've ever talked to.

Key words: "acted like".

You seriously believe all that?

I seriously know all that.

This didn't really make any sense to me. How were they that powerful? Though, that mind buzzing thing Supreme tried to pull on me... maybe some people can't pull away in time before getting seriously hurt. For that matter, I only got out of that situation thanks to Octomus Prime.

But he's an octopus too. What if he only pretended to "save" me from Supreme? What if he's only pretending to be my friend? He's the one who introduced me to the Sages, afterall. The Sages who asked weird questions about air pollution and demanded I pollute more. The Sages who tried to break my brain through the telepathic link. The telepathic link that Octomus Prime provided...

That's right. You're starting to get it now. They are all bent on planetary takeover. Even your little friend from the aquarium.

Now the question is, what are we going to do about it?

Stop listening to my thoughts! And what are we going to do about it? What the hell are you talking about?! This fantasy b-movie is getting worse and worse.

"Octopuses are readying to take over the world. But one man... and the voice in his head... is the only hope for humanity. 'Octowar' ... coming soon to a VCR near you."

Go ahead. Make fun. But we just might be the only ones who can stand against them.

And what is this "we" shit? What are you going to do? Get inside theirheads and annoy them until they quit? They can do the buzzy thing, what's our secret weapon?

Have you already forgotten about your superpowers?! Are they so useless?

I considered the question. I thought about winning the lottery, and how I made that happen. I recalled that night by the fire, the first time I consciously changed something.The first time I jumped dimensions. Though I hadn't truly known that that's what I was doing, yet.

I thought about my more recent experiments, trying to learn the limitations of my ability. For instance, I got pulled over in my new car for speeding last week. I was going over 100 mph on the highway and blew right past a speed trap. I politely told the officer why I thought he pulled me over ("you wanted to check out my new car?"), then waited patiently as he ran my plates. Thought to myself, hey, wait a second! Why am I just waiting for him to give me a ticket? So I jumped to another dimension where the officer happened to be looking at a deer venturing out from the trees just a few feet from their car just as I sped by. It was almost too easy! I almost felt guilty. Almost.

Ok. So how do I use that in this situation? A plan began to formulate in my mind. I was going to confront the Sages. Someone had to. I might be the only person equipped to do it.

Maybe I was being foolish. Maybe I was feeling overconfident. But maybe, just maybe, I could pull this off.

And, do what? Save the human race? Oh, is that all? I seriously think I've watched too many superhero movies. I'm nobody. Who am I to be savior to my entire species?

I am me, that's who. Jamie fricken Blaise! Which led to the thought, what's my superhero name going to be? "Jumper", for the way I can jump from one dimension to another? No, I think they've already made a movie with that title. That might have even been his superpower. Great! My life is stolen from a stupid movie I can barely recall! No, something else. Maybe a play on my name? "The Blaze"? Too easy. "Hot Stuff"? That's stupid. "Sizzle"? Hmm... I think I can get behind that one. Has a ring to it. Jamie "Sizzle" Blaise. Nice!

Ok. Cool. I have a superpower. I have a superhero name. I have a mission: save the human race from extinction. I have the Mighty Moose theme song playing in my head: "Here I come to save the day!" I even think I have a plan.

Alright. I'm in. Let's do this! Let's kick some octopus ass! Uh, do octopuses have asses? I should probably learn a little bit about octopuses.

They have a metaphorical ass that I'm sure you can kick. I mean, they must poop, right?

Yeah, they gotta have a butt hole, if not actual butt cheeks...

I feel like you're getting sidetracked again.

The movie will be called "Sizzle vs the Calamari King!"

Calamari? Isn't that squid?

Now who's getting sidetracked?

Wait, what's Sizzle?

Me! Jamie "Sizzle" Blaise!

...

Don't roll your nonexistent eyes at me. If I'm gonna do this, I deserve a cool name.

...

And so do you! You're... "the Voice"!

I'm a crappy TV show competition?

Yup.

Whatever, dude. This is your fantasy.

Every Batdude needs a Chickadee.

Batdude? Chickadee?

You know, black costume, cape, controversial nipples... and his sidekick-

Wait, don't you mean Batm-

Whoa! Simmer down there! (See what I did there? "Simmer down" is gonna be classic! Got some one-liners all set and ready to go! I think "Sizzle" is already off to a great start!) It's Batdude and Chickadee. Trust me. I don't need any copyright infringements when my blog gets huge...

Uh, ok...

Alright, listen up. Here's the plan...

And that's when I whispered my plan to save the world. Sorry, it was whispered too quietly for you to hear. But trust me, it's a great plan! Full of daring. Full of danger. Full of... d... ummm... desperation? No. Dick jokes? No. Well... maybe. Dastardly deeds? Yeah, I guess... doesn't quite have a ring to it though. Full of dastardly deeds. Eh. I'll work on that. Full of the stuff it needs to be full of in order to succeed.

And for theatrical effect, I shall end this post with some slowly building maniacal laughter.

Mwa ha ha ha ha haaaa!

... end credits...

... more end credits...

... still more end credits...

... sneaky cut scene of me standing in front of Octomus Prime's aquarium, studying a sign that reads:

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. OCTOPUS EXHIBIT TEMPORARILY CLOSED. AWAITING ARRIVAL OF A NEW OCTOPUS.

... I listen in as I overhear two employees talking about how the octopus escaped its tank, nabbed a few small crabs from the next tank over, and then completely vanished...