I'm Writing the Wrong Words

I'm writing again. I haven't written a bunch lately. I have written a little about my D&D character, Crowen, some of which I've shared with you. I squeezed in a Top Ten earlier today. And a little something about a shy beetle the other day. But you know what I haven't written about in weeks? Flikk and Georhd's quest in my Banished Gods novel. I'm still stuck. Writer's block. It's right towards the end, too. Right when it starts to get all crazy with the ultimate showdown. The part that you'd think would be the most exciting to write about!

I think I have a problem. You see, up until this part in the novel, it's been all fun and games. But now, it's the payoff. It's the part when all the pieces need to come together to give the reader a satisfying conclusion. And I think I'm feeling inadequate to pull it off. I'm worried that it won't make sense. That the motivations weren't there. That I didn't set it up well enough. That it's gonna suck.

And it's not even that I'm worried about my potential future readers. It me that I'm really worried about. Have I gotten bored with the story? I don't think so... I love my characters. I love the world of Shan that I'm creating. I love the races of peoples that coexist on Shan. I love the twists I've included and have planned. But what if the buildup is all for nothing? What if I've spent the last couple of years getting to this moment, only to not finish writing?

I wrote 95% of Banished Gods in the first year. I've only written a total of 3 chapters in the last 12 months. What if I fail my beloved characters and leave them hanging? Obviously, that's exactly what will happen if I don't finish the novel. So, the obvious answer would seem to be... finish the Gods' forsaken novel!

But it's just not flowing anymore. Does AuDHD play a role in some way? I have historically struggled with finishing personal projects.

I just can't let this one go, though. Banished Gods needs to be bound in paper, adorned with beautiful hardcover art, and exist in the world. And, it would be wonderful to begin making a living from my writing. That means I need to get back to the writing. Even if I could consistently get 30 minutes a night, that would still be something. A 40+hr/wk day job and a family at home provide plenty of challenges to my writing time, but it's not impossible.

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So, I'm going to be up front with you; I need to make a confession. Time passed between that last paragraph and this one. A whole day. Do you want to know what writing I've done since that last paragraph? I've gone back to some old blog posts from 2021, specifically from my Chronicles of Sizzle days. For those of you who haven't read some of my older stuff, I was doing a weird thing for a while (who'd've guessed it?) where I was writing first person fiction about voices in my head, a feud with the octopuses, and saving the multiverse. It was ambitious, fun, and published chapter by chapter in real time, never knowing what I was going to write next in the saga. I've long wanted to go back and clean it up. Expand it a little. Maybe make a novella out of it.

Today, I've found myself reading through some of those chapters, editing some typos and making some sentences prettier. Why? Well, I suspect I've subconsciously distracted myself with another project so that I can avoid writing Banished Gods. That's why!

What the hell is my problem? Why can't I write the next words? I've had a couple of false starts, I have tried. I started a couple of scenes that will eventually get in the book, but I haven't finished either chapter. And I'm not quite sure where they will fit yet. I've largely written Banished Gods chronologically, chapter by chapter. These last two false starts were outside of that timeline. Somewhere ahead of where I left off. I was hoping to stir up some excitement by skipping to something I was excited about. Maybe getting some momentum and keep writing. I could always fill in the missing parts later. But, it hasn't worked. I haven't finished either of those side chapters.

I'm so afraid that I'm just losing interest. I can't have written this much and just... never bring it to a conclusion. It needs a finale. It deserves one. I deserve one! I want to gift myself this. How can I feel so anxious that I won't finish it, strongly desire to finish it, and still not want to put the work in?

Is that it? Is it work now? Have I lost the joy in it? Is my desire to finish it only a desire to finish something? Is it not a true desire to write more? But I want to want to write.

I am writing, though. I'm writing for Whatever This Is right now. With this post. And I was editing Chronicles of Sizzle earlier. So it's clearly not that I don't want to write. It's simply that I'm not writing Banished Gods. Yet, that's what I should be writing. Because I want all the work I put in up to now to not go to waste. And I want to be proud of a finished product. And I want to show people (let's be honest). I want people to read Banished Gods and say, "That was a damn good book! When's the next one coming out?"

Is that the wrong motivation? Should I only want to write for myself? Does the motivation matter? I think it must matter, especially if I'm lacking enough motivation to finish writing the book. I think I need whatever motivation works to get me there.

But I also want to follow the excitement. If I'm excited to put the Chronicles of Sizzle together into one cohesive piece, isn't that also a good thing to work on? Yes, it is. But I can't let Banished Gods collect dust, either. I think it's important that I keep writing. Whatever it is that I'm writing about. But it's also important to finish something.

Sorry folks, got no jokes. Just insight into my writer's brain. I don't know how interesting this will be for my half dozen readers. I've always been curious about the inner workings of my favorite authors' brains, so maybe you're curious about mine (see how I forced you to call me your favorite author?). If not, well, I suppose I just wasted 5 minutes of your life. Just think about how much time I wasted writing it (all while avoiding writing Banished Gods, of course)!