I AM READY. I WILL SET UP THE NEXUS.
Octomus Prime, Voice, and I collectively took a deep breath in preparation for the showdown, and I heard the static of the nexus as someone "picked up" on the other end of the line. I decided to go in boldly.
Attention octopuses! I will speak with the Sages.
A voice answered in the distance.
AND WHO IS THIS TO BE MAKING DEMANDS OF THE SAGES?
I am known as Sizzle-
There was a muffled snort that seemed to come from somewhere behind me.
And I am here because you have a lot to answer for! Gather the Sages!
YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO-
I know about your devious plans to exterminate mankind. I will speak to the Sages. Now!
The emptiness of static that followed seemed to stretch on, to the point where we began to suspect they "hung up" on us.
You'd think they'd at least play some light jazz or something when they put us on hold. Something to pass the time as we wait.
The static continued to be void of octopuses.
Or maybe some aquatic themed hits. Like Yellow Submarine by The Ladybugs. Or Under the Sea from that Dizzney cartoon.
Nah, that's dumb. Why would they know The Ladybugs? Or Dizzney? Wait, do you have radios or tv's in the ocean, Octomus?
NO, BUT WE DO MAKE MUSIC.
I can't picture an octopus playing the piano or strumming a guitar under water. I wouldn't think instruments like that would work well under there.
I suspect you're right about that.
WE DO NOT NEED PIANOS OR GUITARS. WE MAKE PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS WITH SHELLS, CORAL, OYSTERS, THAT SORT OF THING. WE HAVE EXCELLENT DRUMMERS! ALSO, SOME HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO PLAY THE BLOWFISH. THOUGH I FIND THAT RATHER DISTASTEFUL.
How do you play a blowfish?
I REALLY WOULD RATHER NOT SPEAK OF THAT...
Finally, a voice returned.
GREETINGS, HUMAN. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE REQUESTED AN AUDIENCE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SAGES ARE INDISPOSED AT THE MOMENT. PERHAPS I CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE.
Greetings, octopus. I understand that your Sages have made some very bad choices. Perhaps you can be of assistance. You can assist me by deposing them.
A brief moment of static.
SURELY, YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
More static.
I AM IN NO POSITION TO-
Then find someone who who is!
Yeah! Give it to 'em!
Shush.
Suddenly, my head was pierced by a mind-bogglingly loud, high pitched buzzing sound. It felt like someone had turned on one of those machines that mix ingredients in a bowl with two beaters, only my head was the bowl, and my brain was the main ingredient. The pain was excruciating, and might have lasted for seconds or days, I couldn't tell. It was difficult to think straight. I could hear thoughts like screams, presumably from those that accompanied me in this nexus.
Only three things remained clear and focused; pain, fear, and anger. The pain nearly overpowered everything. Fear, the natural, instinctual byproduct of prey in the clutches of a predator, was growing as the pain continued its torture. Anger was an emotion that began to push its way to the forefront of all. I was not going to let these creatures subdue me! They were imprisoning Prime's family for helping me escape last time. They were attempting to utterly destroy the human race. And they were currently trying to turn my brain to jelly. I had had enough!
Something snapped inside of me. I pushed back mentally, all that anger helping to fuel my resistance. I could sense surprise from the octopus. It had obviously not expected me to be able to oppose it. It somehow redoubled the strength of its attack, and I cried out with the anguish of it. But that, too, helped feed the anger that fueled my defiance. I repelled the force with everything I had. The anger, yes, but also the fear and pain helped to push back. And something else... someone else? Octomus Prime! He was adding his strength to mine! Together, we shoved. Hard. The resistance suddenly broke, and I mentally stumbled forward with the abrupt lack of obstruction. It seemed like we didn't just beat them, but we ran over them in the process. The duel was over, as suddenly as it began. And there was nothing but whimpers on the other end. I almost felt bad.
...almost.
Now that I have your attention, I would like to speak to the Sages.
Whimpering and incoherent mumbling was the only response.
Great, we broke him...
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
Ah! Hello, there! As I was trying to impress upon your fine, whimpering friend, I am here to speak to the Sages. He got rude, so we returned the favor. Please pass along a message for me: I am Sizzle, and I will not allow the manipulation and destruction of the human race to continue.
YOU ARE... SIZZLE.
Yes. Sizzle. And I will not-
Another mindbuzz attack. But this time, we were not caught off guard. This time we fought back immediately. Octomus and I together shoved back at this new foe. A tug-o-war ensued. But this octopus was stronger than the first. Far stronger. And we were already losing ground quickly.
STOP THIS! IMMEDIATELY!
A familiar voice cut in, and our concentration floundered. The battle of minds continued, but I didn't think we would be able to hold on much longer.
DAMOCLES! DESIST AT ONCE! OR YOU WILL KNOW MY WRATH!
The mental grappling ceased as I felt the other pull away.
Yeah, that's right! Run away-
I shoved the Voice into a corner, silencing him for the moment. I could feel anger from him, and suspected some of it was directed at me now. So be it. There are times for battle, and times for talk. It was time for the latter now.
Supreme, how good of you to meet with me.
YOU WILL HAVE TO EXCUSE MY DEAR COLLEAGUE, DAMOCLES. HE IS A GOOD OCTOPUS TO HAVE BY YOUR SIDE IN A PINCH, TO BE CERTAIN. BUT QUICK TO ACT. A BIT RASHLY AT TIMES, PERHAPS. BUT AS I HAVE SAID, GOOD TO HAVE IN YOUR CORNER WHEN YOU NEED A BIT OF MUSCLE.
WHAT IS IT THAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU? SIZZLE, IS IT, NOW?
Yes, Supreme, you may call me Sizzle. And what you can do for me is to stop trying to destroy the world.
DESTROY THE WORLD? MY, MY! WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO SUCH A THING?
We know about your plan to rid yourselves of the human race. A stupid thing to consider, considering. For two reasons.
Silence.
ALRIGHT, I WILL INDULGE THIS GAME YOU ARE PLAYING. WHAT ARE THE TWO REASONS?
I'm so glad you asked! One: encouraging global warming will destroy the planet for all life on earth, not just those of us on land. You put yourselves in danger as well.
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE YOUR FACTS WRONG, BUT DO GO ON. WHAT IS YOUR SECOND REASON?
Good! So you do not deny that you are attempting to destroy us! This greatly speeds up our little parley.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM YOU. YOUR KNOWING HAS LITTLE BEARING ON WORLD EVENTS. THEY WILL COME TO PASS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
Well, that brings us to the second reason you are making a mistake.
YES?
I will not allow it.
...
I will let that... sink in.
AH! A GOOD JOKE BECAUSE OCTOPUSES LIVE IN THE OCEAN! HA HA! VERY WELL DONE, SIZZLE!
Thanks, Prime. I'm surprised and pleased that you got that, considering your general lack of a sense of humor.
IONASSIS! YOU DISAPPOINT ME! I GUESSED YOU MIGHT TARRY A BIT IN RETURNING. BUT TO CONTINUE TO CONSORT WITH THE ENEMY! VERY DISAPPOINTING, INDEED! YOU WILL REPORT DIRECTLY TO THE ARBITERS! YOU HAVE CAST ASIDE YOUR PROPER LOYALTIES AND SURRENDERED YOUR RIGHTS TO MERCY. YOUR FAMILY WILL ALSO PAY FOR YOUR DALLIANCE. THE ARBITERS WILL ANTICIPATE THE RESOLUTION OF YOUR CASE. NOW, STEP ASIDE, IONASSIS. BEFORE THERE WILL BE NO ONE LEFT IN YOUR FAMILY TO CARRY YOUR NAME!
AHHH... SUPREME. I HAVE NEVER LIKED YOU. IN FACT, I VOTED FOR THE OTHER GUY! WHO I ALSO DESPISED! JUST A SUCTION CUP LESS THAN I DESPISED YOU... YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR TRUE COLORS TO ME. I HAVE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. MY FAMILY WILL BE FINE. THEY HAVE HAD AMPLE WARNING, AND HAVE FLED BEFORE THEY WERE EVEN SOUGHT AFTER. I AM NOT WITHOUT INTELLIGENCE. AND YOU... YOU LACK FORESIGHT.
YOU CALL ME A TRAITOR. FINE. PERHAPS I AM. TO YOU, ANYWAY. BUT I ALSO NAME YOU TRAITOR. TO OUR HOME, THE EARTH. YOUR BLIND VENGEANCE HAS FAR REACHING CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU ARE APPARENTLY TOO NAIVE, OR TOO STUPID, TO CONSIDER.
I HAVE SPOKEN.
...
The silence was deafening. I would have given Prime a high five (or whatever the octopus equivalent) if not for the physical distance between us.
Dude... that was... just, beautiful! Nicely done!
YOUR STATEMENT HAS BEEN NOTED, IONASSIS. AND IT WILL BE USED AS EVIDENCE IN YOUR TRIAL WHICH WILL CERTAINLY BE MORE THAN ENOUGH TO HAVE YOU DE-LIMBED, ARM BY ARM BY ARM. UNTIL YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A HEAD, FLOATING WITH THE FLOTSAM AND JETSAM IN THE CURRENTS. YOU WILL BE CRAB FOOD. YOU WILL DIE A SLOW-
Enough of the bullshit, Supreme! Your threats mean nothing. You are hereby deposed.
DEPOSED! HA!
That's right.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
I am Sizzle. And you are dismissed.
ALRIGHT, I HAVE LET THIS GO ON FOR LONG ENOUGH. DAMOCLES!
YES, SIRE.
TAKE CARE OF THIS NUISANCE! AND DAMOCLES?
YES, SIRE.
DO NOT BE GENTLE.
Immediately, he attacked with the mindbuzz. We were prepared. The tug-o-war resumed. And, man, he was strong! It was difficult to keep him at bay, but we held fast. Neither side seemed to gain the advantage this time. I felt I was getting stronger each time I pushed back on the mindbuzz. Growing confident, I began to wonder if I could split my efforts two ways. While defending against Damocles, I tried to mindbuzz Supreme separately. Somehow, I managed to weakly attack Supreme as well. He was not expecting that at all. He had never encountered anyone who had had the nerve to try to mindbuzz him. Though it was a weak attack, it was successful due to the element of surprise.
Supreme screamed, equal parts anger and agony. In shock, Damocles let his attack slip a little. Just enough for Prime and I to get a better grip and redouble our efforts there. It was enough. We broke through, and Damocles added his scream to the cacophony. We pressed harder still, and Damocles was helpless to resist. He crumbled under the pressure and the pain. With one last shove, Damocles was knocked unconscious. Octomus Prime eased up. But I held on to my grip with Supreme's mind. I pushed harder. He screamed louder.
Give up, Supreme! Surrender!
NNNNOOOOOO! NNNNEV-
With a grunt of exertion, I punched. This was not a push. Not even a shove. This was an all out punch.
And then it was over. There was no longer any resistance, no shouts of pain or anger. But there was a sensation of... something. Of stupidity? Not in the subjective sense. But, more of a broken brain. A drooling, thoughtless, mindless, thing.
Supreme was no longer a threat.
To anyone.
Ever again.
OH MY... I FEAR YOU MAY HAVE DESTROYED SUPREME'S BRAIN.
That was... not my intention. But... what's done is done. He was dangerous. And cruel. And a tyrant.
YES. HE WAS. BUT NO LONGER. YOU HAVE GROWN VERY POWERFUL, JAMIE BLAISE. YOU HAVE DEFEATED SUPREME IN BATTLE. BY LAW, YOU ARE... YOU ARE NOW SUPREME... SIZZLE SUPREME!
What?! No! I have no interest in being Supreme! I simply wanted to talk some sense into him! Turn him from this path of destruction. I am not an octopus. I can't be your leader.
BUT, YOU DEFEATED HIM IN COMBAT! YOU HAVE DEPOSED THE LEADER OF ALL OCTOPUS-KIND! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT.
But I don't have the desire. I didn't come here to take over. I just wanted to stop him from killing the planet.
I will take over...
NO! Prime shouted.
No! I added, simultaneously.
Something had to be decided though. I had just fired the president of all the octopuses. Had forever broken his mind, in fact. I had just created a vacuum. Someone had to fill the position.
If I am Supreme...
I had made a decision.
Octomus Prime. I formally name you my Lieutenant Deputy Supreme.
BUT... YOU CAN NOT!
You said I was Supreme. So I can pretty much do what I want, right? Well, my first act is to name you Lieutenant Deputy Supreme.
WHAT?! YOU-
And my second act as Supreme... is to resign. Congratulations, Prime! You have just been promoted twice in one day! In one minute, really! All hail Supreme Octomus Prime!
Heh, heh. No, Prime Supreme... now that kinda has a ring to it, doesn't it?
BUT...I...
Are you kidding me?! After all that, you are going to just give it back to the octopuses? What the hell is wrong with you? They are the enemy! You had the power to-
I don't have any desire to lead a nation of beings. They can lead themselves. Supreme was the problem, not all octopuses. Prime will make an excellent Supreme.
I can't believe this!
Listen-
You have them on their knees right now! You can-
My goal wasn't to come here and punish the entire species. My goal was to put a stop to this madness of using us as puppets to destroy the planet. They are not evil, just misguided by an evil dictator. We took care of that.
You idiot! One is just a bad as the next! You will waste this opportunity!
I began to feel a massive headache coming on. And a little sick to my stomach.
These slimy creatures will stop at nothing to infect this world with their diseased presence!
A throbbing behind my eyes, and my bowels were beginning to bubble and gurgle.
Supreme was the problem! Not the entire species!
Stupid moron. I should have listened to her... I gave you too much credit. I told her you'd be the one to get us here.
What the hell was he talking about?
I DO NOT FEEL WELL SUDDENLY. I JUST VOMITED. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING. MY HEAD HURTS SO MUCH!
Prime, too? Why are we both feeling sick all of a sudden? And what is Voice going on about? Who is this woman he's referring to? I was the one to get who where?
But no! You just won't listen! She warned me. I wanted to trust you. I wanted this to be easy. But you are too weak to do what must be done. To finish the job.
I began to vomit. My head felt like it was going to split in two, and I was seriously in danger of soiling my underwear. What was happening to me?! And why is Voice so angry?
Ugh. But I still need you, unfortunately. For the moment, anyway. Idiot that you are... but I do not need this worthless octotrash. He can be discarded-
Prime! Break the connection! Sever the nexus! Now! I'll find you later! Go!!
No! What are you-
Prime was gone.
Noooo!
I don't understand what you're doing, or why, but it stops here.
You moron!
I tried to mindbuzz Voice. I pushed as hard as I could. But nothing happened. Maybe I couldn't do that without Prime's help.
He laughed, derisively.
Are you trying to buzz me? Oh ho ho! That's rich! That little trick won't work on me, you turd! Arrogant human...
I vomited again. My underwear was now officially soiled. And my brain just might have a crack down the center of it, it hurt that much. I needed to do something, and fast. At least Prime got away...
Oh, don't worry about your little eight- legged friend, we will take care of him too. You are going to help me. With all of them! This isn't over yet.
I tried to do this the nice way. I tried to do it the easy way. I don't know, maybe she was right, but I really thought you'd eventually see the light and go along willingly.
That was a nice bit of work you did with those other two slimes. I had not guessed you could do that little trick of theirs. That will come in handy, to be sure. But as you can see, I've got some of my own tricks as well...
So if you value your stupid carbon-based brain, you will do as I say, and help me wipe every single one of those slimes off the face of this planet!
Well? What do you think? How is this going to go down?
I answered by soiling myself again.
Comments